10.27.2006
Today i did something wrong again, i tot i was immune to it i tot i could control my emotions. But, i failed again leading to yet another dispute.....one person once told me tt i made evrything worse, he is right. I was so angry talking abt tt particular issue tt i could not stop, i knew wat i said would only cause the frenship to crack more but i just wanted to voice of wat is kept inside my heart.Even though i noe its wrong, its so torturing to keep it inside....anyw it has nvr been wat i tot betwn me n tt person....
as the saying goes, 'sorry no cure' well i guess its oni fated we are nt to be true frens
18:54
; where did I go wrong?.
10.24.2006
now without those taggers, my blog no one visit le!!!well i gues the sitemeter counted so many readers bcos the those ppl kept tagging ba....
hmm....i guess today i was stuck at home agin, partially cos i am financially unable to go out oso....sick of it, but...hmm let's not emphasize on it
well i was reading ppl's blogs today, some blogs read le vry hurting to me...but i still want to read i could almost predict wat are the contents of the blog.Well, i jus wanted to find out.Haiz, i am so bored i dun even noe wat i am blogging now....ppl are having the uber fun, while i am stuck at home being autistic...in some way feel so bu gan yuan=_= these are the times u need frens.....to call u n say 'hlo want to go out ornot' even when u r financially strained...
well at least i have keroro accompanying me? haha its a new comedy anime tt came out in japan, quite enjoyable, i think i am gg crazyyy~YYY~YY~YY~Y~Y~
19:00
; where did I go wrong?.
10.22.2006
wooo!!! the wong li hom concert was F-A-BU-LOUS!!!haha it has been such a long time since i had so much fun today, so i decided to blog at this crazy timing,lol...in the concert tt was this retarded crazy ass bitch who kept raising her mini signboard or wateva u call tt when OBVIOUSLY li hom hasnt even make an entrance....then lk wtf she doin sia?so a guy shout at her say' bu yap zai nong le!!!' then she still kept raising leh!!!so even i shouted at her say " BU YAO ZHAN QI LAI!!!!" she stand twice so i shouted twice...damn hilarous la even bro n sis was laughing with me, other people oso laugh lo....i mean lk if li hom come out liao, u can raise la but lk the concert haven even start u raise for wat....the gal also damn wat de lo, when the guest star come she also raise, DJ playing music she also raise....she mus be a very irritating gal in real life......the dancers there were nice too, inspired me abit to dance too! and in tt concert, u seriously learn how a superstar can affect lives...just one guy who has a talent can make millions around the globe loving him...no wonder the lead singer of U2 is fighting for poverty stricken countries all around the world!! But anyway , wang li hom was shuai and POWER for his singing, was totally gg high in the concert today!!!and its rlly mei nu ru yun arh, so many pretty girls!!!
after tt went to eat supper in geylang wah had alot alot of tim sum arh!den along the way i saw many prostitutes and......seriously i nv knew they were so freaking ugly!!!!!!then along the way home talked about soo many things with kor and sis, hmm though its only times lk this we can sit down and talk to each another about many many meaningful stuff but these moments are precious and we seriously understand each other many more....
kor then explained why he said i took evrything for granted, it was bcos i cared too much about my own problems in school n other stuff i took for granted my family n evrything esle....i took for granted the fact i left my fone at home, then irritating ms loo go call my family...my bro n sis were scared lk shit bcos they knew the problems i have in sch, so a thought of me commiting suicide occurred to them...and i have forgotten how much i meant to them, instead i kept thinking about hw much frens in sch mean to me....i was rlly touched that i teared, this IS the purpose of my existence that is to bring hope n joy to my family...though i do not have frens but i know i have a family which others are jealous of!!!And the talk with my siblings taught my that, we humans always care only about the problems we have ourselves but fail to notice the problems which others have....and if only we would learn to look around us, our problems seem nothing compared to the problems others are facing.Like for me, i seem to forgotten how tough was it for mum to go through the leg operation and still had to go bac to work so quickly....
today, in the concert i felt loved, bcos i was with my bro n sis and i felt so free for the first time this year. Free from thinking of what i should say(which i noe i alwas fail to think the right thing), from thinking about what to do, from worrying about what others would say abt me and from the fear of doin things without people doin it with me, and all this was bcos kor n sis was there, and i knew they would support me =).....i said i dun wish to depend on my family, but the fact is i dun need to depend on them. Because they are there for me 24/7, no matter how bad i am to them, they will be the 1st one to step up for me....mayb this is the luckiest thing tt happen to me, having a family who cares for me...but a gf is still important to me!!:X
Even though i learnt so much i still haven found my goals in life, which is dangerous...I mus start to pioritise(i noe i spelt it wrong sorry)....during this 1 week of OP after finishing it i mus at least be determined of wer i want to go....mus go look for counsellor liao...hey but thinking it in another way i found my aim in life, that is to alwas have goals in life n alwas look things in a brighter way, bcos as long as there is people around, there will alwas be conflicts and hurting problems and no one owes u a living....so we can't ecpect people to alwas give in to us....so TTS MY AIM !!!lol
04:33
; where did I go wrong?.
10.20.2006
the haze is jus getting 'better' day by day, and while i was walking home there was a kind bastard who burn alot of weird stuff on the grass patch contributing to the haze.....
today the new PW ST scare the hell shit out of my family, cos she told them i was missing . I forgot my hp ma, so nobody contacted me....den bro went to the mrt to wait for me and sis n mum n dad worried for me, thinking tt i would go suicide over my social problems. When i reached home i realised wat had happened , bro came bac later only to scold me saying i take evrything for granted and keep shouting at me...i was rlly bu gan yuan , i was telling myself u dun even understand wat i m gg through now and all u noe hw to do is to shout at me n keep repeating to me tt i take evrything for granted!!!!....haiz i cannt blame him as well i ,made him worry oso.....
well, today taught me a valuable lesson. That is to nvr expect anything frm others, cos it will only hurt u...i dun blame anyone though i understand tt i am nt a person worth for their concern, but i had hope!In the end, it was just the same lk before, no matter hw i thought things would go better aft i said how i feel, IT WOULD NV B BETTER! Another thing i learnt is, nv use the 2 words which is 'i thought' cause it would raise ur expections on something esle but only to make u fall even harder....
i rlly want to give up n run away, but i keep telling myself nt to give up on myself.....evry thing tt happens before me jus makes me so tempted to let go n run away! but somehow i dunno wer i find the strength to carry on....my family loves me but i dun want to be dependent on them ..i dun wan to rely on them.......i keep asking myself evryday, y am i still staying here? and why can't i move on when evrybody has alrdy moved on....
when i die , i noe i will be rmbered....
does it occur to their minds even once abt hw i feel?
it is a thing i will nv forget...
18:32
; where did I go wrong?.
10.19.2006
finally i'm here to update, today a fren told me hw gloomy i looked in sch, thx for ur concern..may!
negativity is just all over me these few weeks, i feel so wasted. I have been lk gg in n out of sch as i like, its lk i have never done these things before in my life. I feel so bad inside, but i just do it no matter wat cos i find it vry difficult to stay in sch.And the bad thoughts are jus huanting my mind !!! Its the lowest point of life now, i can't find my purpose, i dunno my goals in life and every desicion tt i rashly make is oni pulling me more towards destruction. Den pw, the pressure makes me feel so fustrated....who the hell fuck introduced PW, its lk more of a trouble den help!!!! i dunno wat i shuld do now, i noe wat's the problem but i dun want to tok abt it....i have changed in a way, even i am afraid of myself, it seems as if i have become two person, when i go to sch i dun care abt lessons n i keep quiet most of the time, only when i am at home i feel abit alive....mixed emotions causing me to go on confusion, i am perpetually on the edge of breaking down....
wat am i doin to myself???jc life was a life changing trip for me indeed....it passed so fast yet now, evry min in sch is lk a year. and i no longer wake up in the morning having the urge to go to sch anymore, deep down in my heart i noe i can promote but it seems lk i am forcing myself to becaome a another person....i cant clear my tots!!!wat am i supposed to do????
Life is a tragedy
21:55
; where did I go wrong?.
10.14.2006
today was our open hse din realised it until ms leong called me to go to sch for pw, so i went....our sch de open hse no business wan...300 ppl came oni, when i went there it was lk deserted ......but there were pretty gals:P den tok abt pw with ms leong for a short while i told her i felt lk leaving evrything behind, den she lk told me if want go uni staying in jc is better...so for a short few hours i rlly felt positive of retaining....cos if i go poly i m sure i will be influenced to go on a path of self destruct....surely!
den as i was on my way home, saw a mum with two kids there were so happy , the bond between them was so close then reminded me when i was young hw close i was with my mum until i grew up n she expected me to help in evrything!!!!now my holidays i have to go up to help her in her catering business...she treats me lk a spare worker lo, den jus bribes me with things tt i like...the only thing she says when she comes home is why i nv do the chores? its lk fucked up shit la!!!mum rlly unreasonable these days
den in came the lucky guy who has a galfren, the guy is lk abit plump n....i nt gg to emphasize further, but he has a decent looking galfren. I am nt saying he doesnt deserve a galfren, but is lk haiz why he has a galfren le, n i dun have=_= i oso want one, not bcos others have one, but to have her as sumone who i can spend time with alone....grr well nth is fair in this work unless ur the luckiest person on earth.....
it seems in life evry decision i have made for myself is a wrong one....mayb i am nt supposed to be here....god mus have a purpose is wat all my christian frens tell me, seriously if he had one for me, he should have shown me by now. Even if god is present he can't possibly listen to evryone's wishes he is busy too....but for once i hope he listens to me, GOD pls for once let things go my way???anyway i rlly dun understand people, like how blind they can be to jus follow others ....
well i learn to adapt to these, felt so numb in sch these days...my heart was lk empty, i din have any emotions towards wateva things in school other then pretty gals:P jking i was afraid i had some psychological probs so i asked sis abt it cos she studied abt pschology in uni wat....she said it was bcos i learn to heck care all these things liao which is in a way good.....but i am afraid i bcom autistic how? later i bcom someone whom i am actually not....haha lets walk a step,count a step
20:10
; where did I go wrong?.
10.11.2006
as expected my phy failed by 1 mark!!!wtf chinese 58 upon 100 ok la...at least it's a pass unexpected, enrico was the highest for chinese in class 72!!!haha congrats to him...its all gonna end, some are gg to leave, some will stay......wat i want to say is bad things may happen between us but i rmb the memories....i wonder will i leave too?mayb i will but i am prepared for the consequences. Well, i will have to face it one day no matter hw we run away frm it, the results will still be shown if u din study den be prepared to retain...i mean lk if u study last min then u keep lying to urself tt u will pass, its stupid....8 mths le pass so fast rlly fast, if u ask me would i gone bac in time to pass this 8 mths, i dun think i would.....i dun think i can pass my other subjects oso.... but i want to tell all those ppl who think u r gg to retain and feeling vry sad, it doesnt mean we waste one year means we will be unsuccessful in life , nothing in ur life is planned....try to think it in this way it doesnt mean those who promote they will go uni have a good life n be ur boss.....sim wong foo is a poly grad and bill gates is a drop out...life is ur own stage, its up to u whether u willing to perform on tt stage.....nth will ever go tt smoothly forever, mayb someday the worst student in our class is the boss of all of us. its 1 year not 10 years, u wasted 1 year for a lesson u will rmb forever, well tts wat i tell myself to keep myself prepared.
so all the best in life for the 0612j people!!!
17:14
; where did I go wrong?.
10.10.2006
haiya so suay today, i wanted to skip lecture so i went sumwer to hide then later when i walked pass the canteen, i heard 'hey, boy!' den i noe die liao, i stupid oso la go walk pass the canteen=_= den in the end have to write wat essay la, den give mr koh still mus owe him one duty leh....omg!
the Khoo Swee Chiok talk was exciting, he is the 1st singaporean who conquered Mount Everest and his list of achievements can allow me to write a vry long essay lo...and he was actually a IT geek who has a 9 to 5 job....he even cycled frm s'pore to beijing!!!!i was super shocked la, this guy is one siao kia with big dreams....he is a super role model!!
so many things he said were so meaningful, but the ones i lk were ' DARE TO DREAM' and 'PAIN IS TEMPORARY'.....
right now, i am in a dilemma....believe or walk away?
14:54
; where did I go wrong?.
10.09.2006
exams are over, but there's still pw....sianz! if honestly i retain, i dun think i will have the will to carry on but i will try to finish it.
days are dull, ever since this and this and that, i have be spending weekends on games...i think i sort of got addicted to it le. i eish i could stay in seclusion, gg to sch is such a pain...ya bcos of that and that..ok life is simply mundane....and mum's jus comes home evryday harping abt evry single thing, the 1st thing she comes homes is nag nag and nag at evrything...ya i dun do evrything, cos i am rlly tired mentally bcos of the things i am gg through....who wouldn't?
this is the worst part, now i have to buy a xbox which is an auction item on yahoo, cos budget!haha i dun mind but there's lk no safety in the deal, wat if spoil withing 1 year how? den i can oni say i suay for payin hundred over dollars? so life is the worst..for now until the days i wished and waited for would come, until tt 'she' walks into my life....
today went west mall to help val in maths, in the end we talked lk for hours....
one thing i learn today, no matter hw many frens u seem to have on the surface. when u can't tok to anyone of them abt heart affairs, it would only seem u have no frens...now i understand why 'he' said he was alone.....mayb i am wrong mayb i am right?
22:08
; where did I go wrong?.
10.08.2006
i tried, i did...ur wanted me to stay away, so i did..but why provoke me with insults in my blog? why provoke me? and then say that i m unreasonable? i became oversensitive, hw would i noe which one is which? is a group of ur and one me...hw do i noe mayb all of ur agreed to do this tgt? i stayed away i walk away, so i accepted tt ur din wan me as a fren....but why the tags? i rlly dun understand wat do ur want? my character u jus keep insulting my character, yes it's bad but why mus u keep saying it n saying it? mus u rlly drive me to a corner? mus u? when u can't pick on my character, u pick on my entries? when will u be happy to stop? i am irrational, bcos i see this tags, i stayed away so can u now stay away too. u want me to flare up? so u cant tell evrybody wat a crazy guy i am? is this wat u want? u have ur frens by ur side, i dun...
17:08
; where did I go wrong?.
10.07.2006
den i apologise for being over sensitive, sorry tabitha
23:49
; where did I go wrong?.
10.04.2006
EXAMS ARE OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!now its PW time, but nvm finally~~~~lets out a sigh of relief
today he drew a clear line, it shows me our frenship was not worth a cent...nth to much to say abt it anyway....
xbox on fri wahahahahaha~finally wor ...
13:05
; where did I go wrong?.
10.02.2006
woo maths n econs is over!! last two paper to my xbox, hahahaHAHAHA
den can play , project work dun care la....
death note is comin 19th october, sotong will b der so fast death note 2 is out in japan...singapore is really slowwwww
jus now saw a indian guy go smack a gal slping on the train to wake her up, cos it was at boon lay terminal le ma....the gal jump up lk wan to beat the shit of of tt fellow liao arh....
and one fucking indian cut my queue ytday at NTUC la, then he dunno hw to speak english wan lo.....so good wat, when i walk away i scold him asshole he oso dunno....
8 mths so fast...jc1 will b over, will der be a jc2?
18:03
; where did I go wrong?.
10.01.2006
ur say i find trouble for zi jie, then y keep finding trouble for me? aren't u jus doin wat i m doin to zi jie?wat makes u think u're r right?if u think my character sux, u can stay away for good, why keep provoking me?ya , i m irritated n bu shuang..happy that u achieved ur goal? o gues its funny for all of ur, so fun rit? a joke topic for ur rit? then when i was irritating ppl u say i am wrong, u think u're rit noe huh? u have evrything to say jus to bring me down, YES I AM PROVOKED!!!!so ur cannot fucking let me finish my promos to do all these things la? u wan me to leave ijc can~~~ who say cannot but too bad i wil be thick skinned n stay here for u to provoke until u song...pls la jus let me finish the fucking promos its oni 3 days left n u mus do these...wat kind of person r u man? if u think i was a scumbag, u r no different its just tt ur target which is me is evryone's common target so that makes u feel right...u feel u're brave even to post fucking tags on my tagboard n then laugh it out with all ur frens....ur doin this for hu?for urself?for zijie? or just for fun?
11:02
; where did I go wrong?.