1.07.2011
Day :3
Today was the ugliest, found out so many things and it just shattered my heart and i realise i don't want to be hurt anymore so yeah i'll just stay away because right now she is so repulsive.
As i talked to cp about her, the more i realise i actually rmb all the wrongdoings den the good memories so basically there is really nothing left and there are no space even to be friends.
The last conversation was like a fire which burnt everything to ashes, i give her at most 1 month.... 1 month she will find a new bf or a new fuck partner, even if dun have also got tons of fling by then and change would occur. I dun rmb how lovely we used to be, i only rmb how fucked up she is as a person now. I dun ever wanna be with her again nvr and cp is wrong she will nvr come back, kim would nvr come back bcos i wouldn't take her back too.
Kim can go to hell that piece of slut shit i am so sorry her parents had this kind of shit daughter, she is just a useless piece of shit destined to fail nafa and get fucked hard by tons of guys until one day she finds a unbelievable saint who will marry her. Till then she is so fucked up in my eyes now.........
I jessen siew swear i will not pick up my phone, reply her sms, sms her or check her tumblr for a minimum of 2 weeks starting tml....if not i get straight D's for this semester i swear to god from the bottom of my heart. Unless she is getting raped by some guy and needs my help, enough said.
16:02
; where did I go wrong?.
1.04.2011
U will nvr read my blog here so i can write whatever i want =)
Am i stupid to keep holdig on to you? I keep feeling there may be something else i can do, something more i should do and this relationship would may be change for the better. But it feels like i am walking through a forest of tangling veins, every action i make i think about what you might say because of the promise i made (which is to love you more if you came back to me after i revealed my actual relationship with ruishan to you) The feelings inside me are beyond my vocabulary and the are so confusing and hurtful. I can't keep it inside of me when i see and feel your nonchanlence towards me, and each moment its like your feelings switch between the extreme ends of hot and cold. You don't trust me and sometimes you miss me but when you have stuff to do you don't give shit about me. And i believe when you say you miss me now, its only because the feeling you just had when we are together is still lingering for a few minutes. It is so obvious now that you only miss me when you are absolutely alone and then maybe you might think how nice would it be if i was by your side, simply to put it i am your last choice of company now. And it hurts me because i think about you all the time, feeling so stressed out by the thought of you betraying me once again when you club and how you are now more open to guys and the idea of possible intimacy with them. I get angry all the time, then i get sad, my mood fluctuates as per when you feel.....My mood is solely controlled by you, and i feel so depressed by it. Dating you is so depressing but why am i still here, is it really just because i can't bear to leave yet? Knowing you don't care how i feel just makes it worst, and you have stuff to keep yourself occupied, its like when you don't feel like being together with me you do your very best to forget me. This is not love at all, this is just like a battle to see who wins. I don't feel love rather i feel like i am being punished and its very sick that i feel like i deserved it. But being the suat yee you are now, you wouldnt give a damn......its just an excuse you give to delay time because deep down you just ain't used to me not being there. I guess its time, i shall give us one expiration date till then if things are still like this then we should just break and never see each other again, this is what i tell myself to make me feel better but when i think about it i can't seem to come up with a date. This isn't love anymore rather i feel like we are just friends with benefits and even if by any chance it is love, it is just a one sided love. I am supposed to endure any discomfort i have, or any bad emotions i feel because right now its the cold hard truth that she doesnt care, she doesnt want to care and maybe she is afraid when she starts caring it would be bad. Is it really impossible to change how the relationship works once it has started? I feel headache, heartache all the time its so tiring and painful i really just want to end my life but its not worth it because even if she feels guilt, it would only be at most a day or maybe less den 12 hours. Because this is who suat yee is, she lives life for herself and no one else but herself, its her life and she does whatever she one so as long as no physical or extreme damage is done to anyone else around her.
I don't want to get angry, i don't want to be sad and i don't want to be suffering, so i keep trying to tell myself not to think too much. If she clubs and grinds other guys then its not like i can help it afterall if she can bring herself to do it in the name of fun then it is just her business and i can't do anything about it, if i don't like it i should leave. Mayb be deep down inside her, she thinks like this........its difficult but the only way to not think of it is thru forcing myself not to think of it and doing everything possible to forget it. I really hope one day she would ead all this and just come to understand everyting and maybe just love me back and just do her best to love me. Right now, i am just trying to walk through this forest of needle veins just so i can get to her on the other side. After all this fights, this screaming...i m really tired of always crying in front of her and my friends and of all this drama caused by me. Life can be simple and straightforward but is it really that simple as saying? I don't want to cry anymore and since she deosn't care in the slightest bit how i feel then it's just pointless to really show her, i hope school start sooner so i can drown myself in everything.
I should always put happy thoughts in my brain like the possibility of my skin clearing up once again when i start taking roaccutane and i would have my confidence back.
Working hard and pulling up my CAP
Maybe getting back to trying to learn how to dance again
Earning and saving money so the possibilty of travelling during summer break remains
Learning driving so maybe by year 2 i would have my driving license
Making bash a bang!
Getting more friends and staying more connected with them, hanging out with them more rather then drowning all my sorrows about suat yee all the time. Afterall, people can feel the energy within you...if i am mopping all the time i doubt she would want to be with me and other friends too.
Instead of living life by her, i should live life by myself and just do things that make me happy instead of always letting a part of me slowly self destruct. Its tiring always living in sorrow and desperation all the time.
Labels: desperation, hurt, jessen, love, misery, pain
11:12
; where did I go wrong?.