1.07.2011
Day :3
Today was the ugliest, found out so many things and it just shattered my heart and i realise i don't want to be hurt anymore so yeah i'll just stay away because right now she is so repulsive.
As i talked to cp about her, the more i realise i actually rmb all the wrongdoings den the good memories so basically there is really nothing left and there are no space even to be friends.
The last conversation was like a fire which burnt everything to ashes, i give her at most 1 month.... 1 month she will find a new bf or a new fuck partner, even if dun have also got tons of fling by then and change would occur. I dun rmb how lovely we used to be, i only rmb how fucked up she is as a person now. I dun ever wanna be with her again nvr and cp is wrong she will nvr come back, kim would nvr come back bcos i wouldn't take her back too.
Kim can go to hell that piece of slut shit i am so sorry her parents had this kind of shit daughter, she is just a useless piece of shit destined to fail nafa and get fucked hard by tons of guys until one day she finds a unbelievable saint who will marry her. Till then she is so fucked up in my eyes now.........
I jessen siew swear i will not pick up my phone, reply her sms, sms her or check her tumblr for a minimum of 2 weeks starting tml....if not i get straight D's for this semester i swear to god from the bottom of my heart. Unless she is getting raped by some guy and needs my help, enough said.
16:02
; where did I go wrong?.
1.04.2011
U will nvr read my blog here so i can write whatever i want =)
Am i stupid to keep holdig on to you? I keep feeling there may be something else i can do, something more i should do and this relationship would may be change for the better. But it feels like i am walking through a forest of tangling veins, every action i make i think about what you might say because of the promise i made (which is to love you more if you came back to me after i revealed my actual relationship with ruishan to you) The feelings inside me are beyond my vocabulary and the are so confusing and hurtful. I can't keep it inside of me when i see and feel your nonchanlence towards me, and each moment its like your feelings switch between the extreme ends of hot and cold. You don't trust me and sometimes you miss me but when you have stuff to do you don't give shit about me. And i believe when you say you miss me now, its only because the feeling you just had when we are together is still lingering for a few minutes. It is so obvious now that you only miss me when you are absolutely alone and then maybe you might think how nice would it be if i was by your side, simply to put it i am your last choice of company now. And it hurts me because i think about you all the time, feeling so stressed out by the thought of you betraying me once again when you club and how you are now more open to guys and the idea of possible intimacy with them. I get angry all the time, then i get sad, my mood fluctuates as per when you feel.....My mood is solely controlled by you, and i feel so depressed by it. Dating you is so depressing but why am i still here, is it really just because i can't bear to leave yet? Knowing you don't care how i feel just makes it worst, and you have stuff to keep yourself occupied, its like when you don't feel like being together with me you do your very best to forget me. This is not love at all, this is just like a battle to see who wins. I don't feel love rather i feel like i am being punished and its very sick that i feel like i deserved it. But being the suat yee you are now, you wouldnt give a damn......its just an excuse you give to delay time because deep down you just ain't used to me not being there. I guess its time, i shall give us one expiration date till then if things are still like this then we should just break and never see each other again, this is what i tell myself to make me feel better but when i think about it i can't seem to come up with a date. This isn't love anymore rather i feel like we are just friends with benefits and even if by any chance it is love, it is just a one sided love. I am supposed to endure any discomfort i have, or any bad emotions i feel because right now its the cold hard truth that she doesnt care, she doesnt want to care and maybe she is afraid when she starts caring it would be bad. Is it really impossible to change how the relationship works once it has started? I feel headache, heartache all the time its so tiring and painful i really just want to end my life but its not worth it because even if she feels guilt, it would only be at most a day or maybe less den 12 hours. Because this is who suat yee is, she lives life for herself and no one else but herself, its her life and she does whatever she one so as long as no physical or extreme damage is done to anyone else around her.
I don't want to get angry, i don't want to be sad and i don't want to be suffering, so i keep trying to tell myself not to think too much. If she clubs and grinds other guys then its not like i can help it afterall if she can bring herself to do it in the name of fun then it is just her business and i can't do anything about it, if i don't like it i should leave. Mayb be deep down inside her, she thinks like this........its difficult but the only way to not think of it is thru forcing myself not to think of it and doing everything possible to forget it. I really hope one day she would ead all this and just come to understand everyting and maybe just love me back and just do her best to love me. Right now, i am just trying to walk through this forest of needle veins just so i can get to her on the other side. After all this fights, this screaming...i m really tired of always crying in front of her and my friends and of all this drama caused by me. Life can be simple and straightforward but is it really that simple as saying? I don't want to cry anymore and since she deosn't care in the slightest bit how i feel then it's just pointless to really show her, i hope school start sooner so i can drown myself in everything.
I should always put happy thoughts in my brain like the possibility of my skin clearing up once again when i start taking roaccutane and i would have my confidence back.
Working hard and pulling up my CAP
Maybe getting back to trying to learn how to dance again
Earning and saving money so the possibilty of travelling during summer break remains
Learning driving so maybe by year 2 i would have my driving license
Making bash a bang!
Getting more friends and staying more connected with them, hanging out with them more rather then drowning all my sorrows about suat yee all the time. Afterall, people can feel the energy within you...if i am mopping all the time i doubt she would want to be with me and other friends too.
Instead of living life by her, i should live life by myself and just do things that make me happy instead of always letting a part of me slowly self destruct. Its tiring always living in sorrow and desperation all the time.
Labels: desperation, hurt, jessen, love, misery, pain
11:12
; where did I go wrong?.
12.01.2010
Why is she doing all this?? Just 2 days without speaking to her and plus all these constant fights, i feel like she is going to fade away....feeling so flustered and insecure, has the time come??
I was angry bcos of all the stupid stuff she said, i noe der is no fairness in love but isnt she asking for too much? She makes me feel like she can say anything but i cannot flare up no matter wat.......isn't she at fault for saying all those misleading things too?? I jus had the urge to club, after all this trouble i dun even want to tell her anything in the future, feel like no matter what i shuld just keep everything to myself....lest she gives this silent treatment again.
Even after apologizing, she is still giving me the silent treatment....she is so upset this time she is really bend on forgetting me? Maybe she will jus come back and break up with me? I think she wouldnt do that, in fact she is just waiting for me to break up with her, waiting for me to wake the fuck up and walk out of her life like a man....ALL she wants now is unconditional love from me....but i find it so hard bcos i dun even noe wat she feels now. I guess she is really tired and sick of me this time, its really over............
She is so cold and right now i am so far from her i cannot do a thing, its just gonna slowly fade away......
00:20
; where did I go wrong?.
11.23.2010
GO FUCK URSELF KIM GO FUCKING DIE!!!
cb u jus love playing ur cold wars!!!!! fuck break up i noe u dun wanna be the bad guy !! i fucking know it u bitch!!!! u cb slut go fantasize abt ur fav guys!!!!!! go back m'sia u fucking bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!
20:14
; where did I go wrong?.
11.22.2010
ASH STYMEST....srsly, u r so infatuated with the guy like u keep posting motherfucking pics of him.......
Feel so sad tt its tuned in ur brain i try to give solutions whenever u say ur probs until when i am trying to jus plainly comfort u, u think i m trying to force my opinion on u......and i dun und y must u be so cold to me?? shouldnt u be happy that i am here trying to protect u, but i sensed that u do not feel any sense of relief its like u can do without me and so many insecurities yet u are forcing me not to ask u every single time......its either u give me a unclear ans or u say i am thinking too much and say a few sweet things and let it be.........yeah things are diff and u care less abt our r/s.....and its kinda clear tt slowly u r jus nt used to living life w/o me ur so called love is jus reliance u dun wanna rock tt balance........
In actual fact u dun love me anymore.......
u used to not look at guys or like search for pics online....and it doesnt help tt my looks are jus getting worse, its as if i am nt good enuff for u anymore and the more u r exposed to ur social circle the more you wanna b free frm me.....and i guess i am angry all the time bcos its so true and its coming and i can do nth to stop it, very soon u will realise that u dun need me and freedom is wat u rlly want at this stage of ur life. Eventually this flickering flame would jus die out in a blink of an eye w/o both of us knowing.......its painful and depressing that i no longer feel like u love me, the things i say dun make u laugh, the stuff i do u dun find them cute anymore, the jokes i say they are just normal and the time spend with me its just bcos...........u r used to
and i dun wanna b something u are used to, there is no love no love at all frm u......nth but an illusion made from the desire to go back to the past....and everything aint like in the past, now wateva i do i can't impress u! i aint ur cool tattoo-ed studded guy with long hair and good complexion and charming eyes who smokes and does cool things like dj-ing or wateva u fucking nafa-ians think is cool......its alwas hw cool is he? omg she is so cool with her lifestyle choices, she is so rich she is so cool with her kinda frens and the stuff she does.....but even though i am called ur bf in name, i am just the boy by ur side and nothing more, i feel like eevrything else is somewhat fake and difficult to grasp......u would nvr tell me hw cool the things i do mayb my life aint fucking artistic and exciting enuff for u! u have chged or isit truly who u are the superficial gal i see now so desperate for an exciting social circle and all the 'fun' stuff young druggies do while wasting their lives away.............n u dare call me superficial when all along the things u described me with ur jus worst then it!All i ever hear from u is the realisation of how mismatch we are, those words sting and they would nvr disappear, why why.....why.......
u say u can't tell me things, and ur repeated reminders made me think how silly i was to show you wat was underneath me, my emotions. They disgust u dun they? I understand how u dun feel like opening up to me, bcos i dun feel like telling anything AT ALL i dun wanna be beaten down by u ever again with ur perception of a 'real' man...........ur rite i cant be the man who endures ur every shit.....its impossible , sometimes u may not realise it but these things they hurt deeper then they seem to be.
right now as i am writing these i realised how silly i was to assumed u care, and all i can think of is leaving, wat a tragedy.......and i blame myself for foolishly thinking a boy like me would suit a gal like u and we would grow to und each other, the truth is we would never grow if we stick tgt. And tts y when u start growing, u see things abt me u didnt used to and it breaks my heart entirely to watch u start to be disgusted by my actions, and struggle more and more freedom and start to hate and despise everything i do tt doesnt suit ur expectations. And so now with all the power in ur hand, i hope u crush me to death so i do not need to rise again from the glimmer of hope tt alwas sips thru because tt glimmer is jus my imagination.............all i can think of now is how u look down on me tt i am not man enuff for u when i say all the things tt i feel inside so fuck u, fuck u truly if for this second if u think tt way.......
i hope u see all these, i really do cos deep down i hope u cared and feel a sting when u noe hw i feel but then again when u noe all this would u rlly feel the sting or do u jus feel sympathy for a guy u do not think is manly enuff for u .......if so quietly let me go bcos i dun wanna be ur pillar plainly for support or wateva use tt u may think of.....fuck off
23:34
; where did I go wrong?.
11.11.2010
i noe u will see this and i hope u do, and i really hate it...........feel like u taking me for granted
All i want is support and concern from u when i am in a down and stressed period, guess its just not in us this kinda couple.........u would go away for a few hours and dunno do wat with ur frens and reply me those nonchalant msg
tt is y i am alwas angry when u r with ur frens, u would give me all the attention in the world when u r not with them and when u r with them, i would have to fight for ur attention and u would think i am being wilful......cant bliv i was angry and u noe it but u were eager to go back to the game....
i cant stand your fucking attitude, its like i feel as though u can do w/o me....go to hell
22:34
; where did I go wrong?.
11.02.2010
it has been so long, and if i didnt not feel like dying i wouldnt come here.....
I am so lost and confused, i am rlly depressed till a stage every small thing just goes in a downward spiral.......no money, no looks, no friends, no results and no happiness...did i rlly brought all these upon myself? Am i rlly too greedy? I just wanted a fucking acne free face but its nvr ever gonna happen tot roaccutane helped but it came back and as bad as it used to be, the med alr made my skin looked old if i m gonna take it another time wat will i become????
Dunno wat i want in life....the truth is my life is over, if i had knew i would be enjoying my studies and start afresh instead of like jus passing everday like it is and having a gf which doesnt rlly gives me true happiness, or i cant find happiness within myself, our r/s is jus fucked up so fucked up............der is no sweetness ever and all i can do is jus slip into darkness
17:33
; where did I go wrong?.